How do roaches manage to get inside my car and do I even want to know?

21 07 2011

It was a nice evening out on the town with my parents and grandmother. Our Italian dinner was delicious, the conversations enlightening, the evening was filled with smiles and laughter and I left for home with an extremely stuffed belly.

The 45-minute drive home started off nice. It’s later in the evening so there wasn’t much traffic on the road and the red lights don’t seem to hate me like they usually do.

I drove down some back roads to get to the interstate entrance and felt hypnotized a little by the street lamps as I passed them. The light came into my car to tease me before abandoning me into darkness, only to come back again when I passed another lamp. This continues as I peacefully make my way towards home.

During one of the street lamp teases, something on my dashboard caught my eye. As I looked closer the light inside my car disappeared and I couldn’t see anything in the darkness.

Something had gotten wedged between the front windshield and the end of the dashboard. I had planned to use the light from the next lamp I passed to look in the same spot on the dashboard to figure out what I saw.

Was it a parking garage ticket? Or was it a ticket stub from the Arepas food truck? Or maybe my roommate’s niece put one of her arts & crafts cutouts up there again?

I was approaching the lamp and eagerly waited for the light to illuminate my car glancing back and forth from the road to the spot I thought I had seen something. The light came and my suspicions were confirmed. Between the edge of the dashboard and the windshield was a two to three-inch long cockroach.

I’m not afraid of roaches. I don’t understand how they came to be and why they are here (where their spot in the food chain is or what actually eats them). Do they even have any nutritional value?

Then I was trying to figure out how this big insect even got inside my car in the first place. Each time I passed a lamp I would get a better look at it. It’s beady eyes were looking right back at me too!

I was okay with the roach being there at first. I wasn’t thrilled but I was okay.

Then it began to move it’s long flaky brown skeleton body slowly across the dashboard, usually during the dark periods when I couldn’t see that well. The light rings around its eyes made it look like it was examining me through a pair of glasses. The antennas twitched to find a sense of direction.

It was moving towards the passenger side of the car but during an illuminating moment turned around and at a faster pace used its 6 hairy legs to crawl towards the driver’s side door. Again I’m not afraid of roaches but they still creep me out. Already I’m swerving out of my lane to keep an eye on this thing and anticipating a launch attack since I’ve seen these things fly before.

At this moment I’m really hoping to catch a red light but unlike every other time I’m out driving they seem to be timed out perfectly for me to continue non-stop on my journey home. Then, my wish came true. It was the last stop light before the entrance to the interstate.

The roach had crept his way onto the door handle so I wasn’t sure how to open the door. He was too low for me to try to flick him out the window. When he crawled past the handle, I knew I was going to have only one shot at this.

I jumped at the chance to open the door. As wide as I could! I desperately searched for something to use to fling him off the door grabbing the closest thing I had to me, my cool new hat I wear everywhere. A brief pause was made before using it but it was all I had so I pushed on. Swiftly I swatted the hat at the roach.

Nothing. He held on to the door with his sticky, hairy legs and was not going to jump ship anytime soon. And I’m not sure but he looked a little pissed at me for making such an attempt on his life.

The stoplight turned green. I’m at this intersection with my door wide open and this huge roach hanging on with all of his might. I didn’t care that people had come up behind me or that I was stopped at a green light now. I missed my first shot but I could not miss my second.

I swatted at him again.

This time I knocked him down, trying not to kill him but simply set him free in the middle of a three-lane road. I know I struck the roach. I saw him fall off the door. But I didn’t see where he landed.

I quickly closed the door and proceeded through the light and onto the interstate like nothing had happened. Because I didn’t actually see the roach fall out of the car and onto the road, I knew in the back of my mind there was a chance that he may have fallen back inside the car.

It was dark once again and there was no sign of the roach anymore. Nobody was harmed in this invasion of privacy but the scars are still there. And because there wasn’t concrete proof that this roach made it out of the car I must live with the realization that this battle is not yet over.


What were we just talking about?

20 07 2011

So, you’re talking to your significant other or your best friend or your parents and you’re into the conversation at first. It started out interesting, hanging on to every word and following the path of the story with genuine curiosity. You really want to pay attention to what he/she is saying.

But something happens.

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment of how it begins (either you smoked too much herbal fun or maybe your ADD just kicked in or something distracted you) but it happens.

Everything goes blank.

In an instant your mind wanders to la la land and you’re left with this person talking to you about something you can’t even remember. It only takes a few seconds before you come back and catch the last bit of the conversation.

Then a question is asked.

What do you think? What should I do? Don’t you agree? How do you feel about that?

And you’re hoping the blank stare on your face isn’t as noticeable as it feels. As quickly as you can, you dig into the archives of your memory in hopes that something was recording while you were out.

Most of the times you aren’t lucky enough to get a 50/50 yes or no question. Although it still sucks getting it wrong or getting it right but the tone of uncertainty in your voice causes a questionable stare from the person talking. You feel like they are on to you and that you may have gotten the answer right this time but they are on guard now for the conversations to come.

But when it’s that question that requires your honest, heart-felt opinion, well that’s a whole other story. First of all, be careful not to let too much dead space or quiet pause time go on after the last words are spoken. It’s a dead give away that you weren’t paying attention.

Secondly, don’t try to answer it if you can’t even remember the topic of conversation. And don’t change the subject either because then you’ll come across as being rude or insensitive.

What you need to do is be quick and witty. Answer the question with a question but not just any question. Try something like, “What? Let me get this straight. What exactly is it you’re asking me?” or “You really want to know what I think? Hold on, run this by me again so I can give you a clear answer.”

The key is to be quick. Remember as much as you can from before you drifted and play dumb a little in order to get them to at least repeat the question. Listen carefully for any clues or perhaps the stalling question will give you the time needed to remember something and form an answer.

Don’t pretend they didn’t ask you anything, don’t start talking about the weather, and don’t pause too much before responding with something.

There are a lot of distractions out there. It happens to the best of us!

Why are selfish people reproducing at such rapid rates?

19 07 2011

It’s just ketchup.

Ok, I really try hard not to complain about things but sometimes I feel it’s important to be heard. And for the girls sitting at the bar, this past Sunday, who lack certain things like common courtesy (and common intellect I’m sure as well) this blog is for you. Or for others to read and be warned of you.

 I try to live my life by example but there is only so much of other people’s shenanigans I can take before I lose the self control that’s been holding back the words I very much want to spew.

We are human I get that. We make mistakes and we take what we have in the “now” for granted some of the times. It’s okay if this happens. Believe me, it will happen. Not all of us are taught life’s lessons in the same way or at the same time or at all for that matter. But by the time you are in your twenties, possibly pushing quarter life status, you should know a little more about what is right and what is phucked up.

 Open your eyes and see that there are other people around you. We share this earth we don’t individually own it. When you see a man sitting at a bar and he asks you politely if you can pass down the centerpiece containing napkins, ketchup, salt and pepper, can you just be nice and hand it to the guy?

Because getting your fat ass off the barstool will propel you into a whole other world filled with people other than yourself, a world of disadvantages and disabilities for some. Had you responded humanely back you would have noticed that the man sitting at the bar had a wheelchair next to his bar stool. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you have some intelligence to figure out he has no use of his legs and struggled just to get himself up on the barstool in order to feel more “normal” in the setting instead of barely being able to see over the bar counter.

Having to ask people for help on a daily basis to do things you used to be able to do on your own but you simply can’t do them anymore has got to be hard, humiliating, and uncomfortable. Try to spend a day without your legs. How about trying to spend just an hour without them? Trust me, he would have wanted nothing more than to be able to get up and get the ketchup himself. Your response by reluctantly shoving the basket just a little closer but not nearly close enough says a lot about your character. Unfortunately it’s giving other humans a bad rap because you are just like us minus the heart.

Let’s remember that what we have right now is a gift and realize it’s okay to take a few seconds away from our self-indulging behavior to help out a fellow human in need. How is the act of passing the ketchup really hurting you?

Familiar Faces in Not So Familiar Places

9 07 2011

Working downtown on the weekends means I get to see a lot of faces, some familiar because I see them every weekend, most of them unrecognizable to me because of my abused memory or I just don’t pay attention to details like their faces.

Sometimes I feel that I don’t retain things easily because my brain is too full. There is a lot going on up there at any given moment and I’m sorry if I don’t recognize you right away even though you say hello to me every weekend. I see a lot of people throughout the night, hundreds of them and I’m busy multi-tasking with work to pay attention to everything.

You will eventually stand out to me, the lightbulb within will turn on and in that moment I will find the memory of you somewhere buried beneath all of the other stuff piled up in my head. It happens. I do mean well, and I love meeting new people so don’t take it personally.

Last night I saw a familiar face I haven’t seen in a few years. It was from an interesting and kind of good, kind of bad time of my life. I hollered out his name and he turned to look at me. It took a second of tilting his head and squinting his eyes before he smiled and recognized me. He rushed over and gave me a hug and politely told me it was great to see me and all but that name I just called out wasn’t his.

How embarrassing!

My memory had played a trick on me and the name I confused him with was someone I knew from that same period of my life. As soon as he lifted his shirt and showed me his new tattoos it started to come back to me. We worked at a bar together back in the day and at that particular bar we had to work in our underwear. And no, I’m not going to give that bar a plug because they burned a bridge with me.

It’s funny how you remember people. Most people that knew me during that time don’t recognize me with clothes on either. The chiseled chest and Japanese artwork flipped my lightswitch and I immediately remembered who he really was. Come on, I saw him every day at work without his shirt on, how am I supposed to recognize him completely with it on?

I still felt like a dumbass and will refrain from shouting out names of people I remember from my past until I am 100% sure or until they lift their shirt up and greet me the way I would remember them. I tried to redeem myself by sending him a text using his correct name without him having to tell me what it was. I’m not going to lose sleep over this or anything I was just saying….

On and on and on….

9 07 2011

I woke up Friday morning at 5:25am to complete my daily routine of walking 6 miles with my dogs, working at my new job (yay!) 8:30am to 5:30pm, driving home in traffic backed up even more because of all of the crazy rain we’ve been having, scarfing down some food before heading off to job #2 from 9pm to 2am, downing a couple of beers with some friends after work until 4am, stopping by McDonalds for some food only to be told we can only order breakfast when all I wanted was a burger, continuing home and indulging in some recreational herbal treatments with my roommate while he rewinds the sex scenes over and over from the Real L Word show, and finally going to bed at 5:15am….almost a complete 24-hr day.

One would think after this packed in day I would be super tired and sleep away my Saturday, right? Oh, I forgot to mention I had a Mt Dew and a Red Bull throughout my night due to fatigue kicking me in. I can’t be working downtown and yawning as people come to party. What kind of mood does that set? Anyway I don’t drink Red Bull anymore because, although I like it, it does crazy things to me like making me wake up at 10am after only sleeping 5 hours after being up for nearly 24! Gotta give it props though because it does exactly what it advertises. It gave me wings. Let’s see if another herbal treatment will help me clip these wings even though it’s supposed to elevate me as well.