Got Speed? : Letters From the Pedestrian

10 04 2014

Dear Reckless SUV Driver who thinks my neighborhood is really a drag strip shortcut to avoid a little bit of traffic and one stoplight,


I wanted to let you know that everything is going to be okay. After seeing your ancient P.O.S. Ford Explorer/Nissan Pathfinder-type vehicle with a faded paint job and giant rust spots blur by me as I walked my dog down my sidewalk-free residential neighborhood street, I understand why you felt the need to drive at speeds over 50mph. I would be embarrassed too if I had to drive around an eye-sore like that, always worrying whether or not it was going to break down before reaching my destination. Or maybe some psychopathic disgruntled retired bomb squad technician rigged a bomb to your car which will detonate if you drive under 50mph. Where is Keanu when you need him, right?

I’m sure you have a really good reason for drag racing down a neighborhood street at 7:30 am, the time when some of our children are heading to the bus stop and other people are out walking their dogs. I mean, I couldn’t expect you to slow down at all once you saw me and my 85lb Pit Bull attempting to cross the street. Everything around you must have been blurry and hard to decipher. It may have been a little easier for you if your crappy tint job wasn’t bubbled up and peeling off but that’s just a suggestion.

I know it’s not your fault you were running late to your Douche Bag Anonymous meeting and I’d like to commend your quick-thinking skills with taking that shortcut. You actually made it to your destination 45 seconds earlier than if you would have gone the normal, legal way. I’m pretty sure you got in front of that other car who had been leading the way previously. Way to go! Your 45-second speed savings scared a bunch of kids and squirrels, alarmed some neighbors and almost killed me and my dog, but you beat your record time and that’s all that matters. After all, there’s nobody else as important on this earth as you.

I appreciate you honking at me after almost killing me to let me know you do care about what I have to say. It was coming from the bottom of my pounding heart when I hollered, “Slow the f— down.” It makes me happy to know you heard me since you certainly didn’t see me when you blasted by. And you have no idea how much it meant to me when you honked again after I gave you an honorary middle finger salute to congratulate you on putting an entire neighborhood at risk because of your selfish needs and behavior. And all along I didn’t think you noticed me.

Finally, I really hope your lazy ass oversleeps or something causes you to run late so you can swing by the neighborhood again and maybe this time get a 46-second lead on everybody else. You see, Ace Hardware makes these really sharp pointy metal things that I’m going to place in certain areas of that street you enjoy racing down. Sure a few neighbors may have to replace a tire or two and be out a couple of bucks, but I’m sure they would rather fork over the money for new tires than a new coffin. Those things are expensive!

Hope to see you soon!


A concerned citizen with a lot of time on her hands to plot


Crosswalk Crossroads : Letters From The Pedestrian

15 08 2011

Dear old lady, with the Jack Russell Terrier, who could barely see over the steering wheel of her Toyota,

I’m writing to apologize for my ignorance and disrespect as I attempted to walk my dog across the big white striped crosswalk after pushing the button and seeing the white LED man come up on the screen. I must not have been paying attention to the signals that informed me I had the right of way and that it was okay for me and my furry kid to cross the street safely.

It must have been hard for you to take that left turn on a green light so slow and avoid running my dog and I over in the fifteen seconds it took for us to cross. Thank you for creeping up on us slowly and gently tapping my leg with the front of your car to inform me you were coming no matter what. It was so kind for you to again inform me that you had the right away by pointing to the green traffic signal hanging above even while the LED sign was still blinking the 8 seconds left before the orange hand would appear and take over. I was amazed that you were so quick to notice as you continued to drive and weren’t distracted by the steering wheel blocking your view or your hyperactive Jack Russell Terrier standing on your middle console backing you up with his yaps.

You must have developed some sincere patience and self-control over the years because when I pointed back at the sign to show you the seconds still counting down, you came back again, holding your ground and pointed to the green light hanging above without losing the angry scowl on your wrinkly face.

I have plenty to learn from the old and the wise who are somehow still qualified to drive 3000 lb vehicles without meeting proper height requirements and without knowing or abiding by the rules of the road. Thankfully, I can still stand corrected and will hope for a rainy day to wash away the dog shit I inappropriately threw at your car.


The Crosswalk Bandit