So wont the real Mrs. Claus please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?

19 12 2013
Waiting for Santa.

Waiting for Santa.

All of the Christmas lights I spent hours hanging up outside of the house just stopped working tonight. Not really feeling like investigating the reason, I instead, decide to embark on a certain mission that has been presented to me and maybe fuel up with some good ole holiday spirits.

It has come to my attention that I have no idea what Mrs. Claus’s name first name is. Christmas is almost here and I feel obligated to discover the answer before the white bearded man comes down my chimney.

My first instinct is to Google it of course. The first link is wikipedia, which I don’t normally rely on for factual information, but we are searching for Mrs. Claus’s first name. Mrs. Claus, as in the wife of Santa Claus. You know?

So I click on the link and read something about her first name being a mystery but then they list about nine different names that she’s been referred to as. That’s like saying she was born in Kentucky, Alabama, Massachusetts, Wyoming, Nevada, Oregon, Louisiana and the North Pole. Unless she’s got multiple personalities or is very indecisive of what she wants to be called, this just can’t be. I’m not satisfied at all with this answer.

The next link I click on is www.santaclaus.com. Cool! I never knew Santa had his own website. This should be good, I think to myself. I read the website and find the same question that I was asked the other night. What is Mrs. Claus’s first name?

The answer is right there. Her name is Jessica Mary Claus.

I thought, at first, that my search was over and couldn’t believe how easy it was to figure the answer out. Then I read more on the site to learn that you can become an elf by doing well in school, Santa and Mrs. Claus like to vacation in the Florida Keys after the holidays, and Santa gets the flu shot each year. I’m losing faith with this site’s credibility and confirm my doubts with the disclaimer at the bottom of the web page.

It reads,”All warranties express(ed) or implied are hereby disclaimed. Every effort is made to ensure that information is correct, but is not guaranteed.”

My mission is not over yet. I’m not 100% convinced that Mrs. Claus’s name is Jessica Mary Claus. The next few links I clicked onto gave me Jessica’s name again, as well as some new ones, but none could back up their answers with any credible source. Not to mention each answer has a different story about Mrs. Claus in general.

Seems like I may have my work cut out for me here. Oh wow! My Christmas lights just came back on. And all I had to do was press the reset button on the light socket panel.





Five reasons being a Vampire would be pretty cool

3 10 2012

1) The Travel Experience

As a vampire, since you have unlimited days on earth (unless you get staked of course), you have all the time in the world to travel and see everything the world has to offer; From the street canals of Venice, Italy and the Himalayas in India to the volcanoes in Iceland and Indonesia and the rainforests in South America. Every city in every country, every desert, every lake, every canal or stream, every mountain, every cliff, every cornfield, every pasture… every thing! Along with your travels you will get to meet all kinds of different people from different cultures. Just be on your best behavior and make friends rather than eat them all and you’ll be able to enjoy more without worrying that somebody is out to get you for revenge or because they want all blood sucking vampires dead, again.

2) Breaking the Language Barrier

If you had all the time in the world and didn’t want to get bored, pick up a book or Mavis Beacon CD and learn a language. Spend some quality time learning to speak Spanish in all its dialects and regions, French, Russian, Chinese, Greek, Latin, Arabic, you name it. You can learn by submerging yourself in that region or country for a year or two, until you speak it fluently. After a hundred years or so of walking around the earth, you’ll be able to speak to anybody and everybody! Even the tough French-Creole dialects found in certain Parishes of New Orleans (reference Waterboy with Adam Sandler). Nobody would ever be able to talk smack about you without you knowing. There won’t be any secrets kept from you either. Once you learn all the languages, if you get bored you can always create a new one of your own. Let a hundred years go by and see how many people picked it up.

3) Adrenaline Junkie Is An Understatement

Could you imagine the stunts you would be able to pull off if death wasn’t an issue and life was everlasting? Bungee jumping is so outdated but you would still have to do it at least once. But why not climb higher for a longer drop? Longer bungee jumping rides equals more fun and enjoyment for that adrenaline addiction. Skydiving, paragliding, cliff jumping, scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef, dirt bike stunts, four-wheeling ATVs, mountain climbing, cave diving, anything you can’t imagine anybody being able to do and survive, you can do! The impossible is now possible once you’re a vampire. And you’re not doing these stunts for bragging rights, because you have an advantage without the fear of dying, rather you do these things to truly feel what it’s like to do them. To feel the wind against your face as you free fall thousands of feet in mid air, meet the underwater sea creatures nobody has been able to discover, wrestle an alligator, swim with a whale, whatever you desire, you can conquer.

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4) Best of the Best Concert Series

Being a vampire has some definite advantages. You can go watch every great musician, band, solo artist, quartet, or instrumental group perform live. Imagine hanging out in a local Jersey dive listening to Bruce Springsteen, at a Minneapolis coffeehouse listening to Bob Dylan, or at a club in Liverpool listening to four boyish legends known as The Beatles. Hear famous symphony orchestras and opera performances from all over the world. Learn the moonwalk from Michael Jackson, smoke weed with Snoop Dog, Jimi Hendrix and the band Sublime, drink beers with Johnny Cash, strike a pose with Madonna, party with Kurt Cobain and Jerry Garcia, compare lips with Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler, have a cocktail with Frank Sinatra, sing the delta blues with Willie Brown, or jazz it up with Duke Ellington and Etta James. You would be able to watch live performances of every artist, in every country, during the course of the time that passes. Spend years traveling around attending one concert after another until you’ve crossed everybody off your list, of course you’ll be adding them as you go too. You will be so well diverse with every genre of music, the uniqueness of each decade or era, educated with soulful words and melodies. I can only imagine the happiness within. Collect the concert tickets or napkins from the location or something that proves you were there and make a collage for your vampire home. How cool would that be to be able to enjoy all of these artists, live, pouring out their energy so you can be inspired and entertained?

5) Never Be Jobless

Since you’re a vampire and your life is about endless experiences, you pretty much are living history as is plays out, decade after decade, century after century. You were there when aspirin company Bayer used to market heroin, during the 72 years when Louis XIV reigned France, witnessed the dollar become the first official currency, or to meet Dante (pre-Divine Comedy) when he was just a boy studying Tuscan poetry at the Sicilian School. With all of this first-hand knowledge you can work as a college professor (night classes only) or write and publish history books with explicit and accurate detail. You can also teach online history classes or tutor individuals in the evenings. These types of jobs would probably come easy to a vampire. Since you have the opportunity to be an expert in just about any subject matter many options are out there for you such as DIY shows, travel shows for the countries with the best nightlife and more!

It’s starting to make sense why Vampires can come across as being arrogant and snobby. They’ve been around long enough and have learned as much as they could take in and could be quite bored with the ordinary. Imagine having to explain the same thing to each person you encounter, day in and day out, teaching them that Arabic numerals were not invented by Arabs, that ketchup was sold as medicine in the 1830s, that two of the Titanic survivors were dogs, and that it took 20 thousand men, 20 years, to finish building the Taj Mahal. They’re smart, they’ve been there, done that, and seen that, and they kind of have bragging rights to be know-it-alls. Don’t take it personal if they beat you in Jeopardy and Who Wants to be a Millionaire, remember, they could do a lot more damage if they really wanted to.





The Psycho-Cycle of Obsession

2 02 2012

What am I supposed to do

When I don’t know where to go

As life continues to throw

Blow after blow,

Not letting it show,

Or keeping with the flow.

I’ve seen too much,

Doors and windows have opened up.

Every action feels stuck

On which one to save.

All eyes and ears will not believe

The sadness and grief

Of people just like me.

How can it be

That we take for granted

So much but we can’t

Save just one small account.





Love is Blinded by the Light of Evil

2 02 2012

Now that I’ve seen

And learned about suffering and grief

On a level no one would believe,

I wonder why I  hold on to so tightly.

I would like to just squeeze the sadness right

Through til it seeps out

And trickles down,

Only to drop on the floor for me to mop up later.

And no one can stop

What goes through my thoughts

And into my heart

Because that’s where it starts

And ends, but being apart from your feelings

Will not allow you to embark

On your journey through the dark.