Got Speed? : Letters From the Pedestrian

10 04 2014

Dear Reckless SUV Driver who thinks my neighborhood is really a drag strip shortcut to avoid a little bit of traffic and one stoplight,

website-speed

I wanted to let you know that everything is going to be okay. After seeing your ancient P.O.S. Ford Explorer/Nissan Pathfinder-type vehicle with a faded paint job and giant rust spots blur by me as I walked my dog down my sidewalk-free residential neighborhood street, I understand why you felt the need to drive at speeds over 50mph. I would be embarrassed too if I had to drive around an eye-sore like that, always worrying whether or not it was going to break down before reaching my destination. Or maybe some psychopathic disgruntled retired bomb squad technician rigged a bomb to your car which will detonate if you drive under 50mph. Where is Keanu when you need him, right?

I’m sure you have a really good reason for drag racing down a neighborhood street at 7:30 am, the time when some of our children are heading to the bus stop and other people are out walking their dogs. I mean, I couldn’t expect you to slow down at all once you saw me and my 85lb Pit Bull attempting to cross the street. Everything around you must have been blurry and hard to decipher. It may have been a little easier for you if your crappy tint job wasn’t bubbled up and peeling off but that’s just a suggestion.

I know it’s not your fault you were running late to your Douche Bag Anonymous meeting and I’d like to commend your quick-thinking skills with taking that shortcut. You actually made it to your destination 45 seconds earlier than if you would have gone the normal, legal way. I’m pretty sure you got in front of that other car who had been leading the way previously. Way to go! Your 45-second speed savings scared a bunch of kids and squirrels, alarmed some neighbors and almost killed me and my dog, but you beat your record time and that’s all that matters. After all, there’s nobody else as important on this earth as you.

I appreciate you honking at me after almost killing me to let me know you do care about what I have to say. It was coming from the bottom of my pounding heart when I hollered, “Slow the f— down.” It makes me happy to know you heard me since you certainly didn’t see me when you blasted by. And you have no idea how much it meant to me when you honked again after I gave you an honorary middle finger salute to congratulate you on putting an entire neighborhood at risk because of your selfish needs and behavior. And all along I didn’t think you noticed me.

Finally, I really hope your lazy ass oversleeps or something causes you to run late so you can swing by the neighborhood again and maybe this time get a 46-second lead on everybody else. You see, Ace Hardware makes these really sharp pointy metal things that I’m going to place in certain areas of that street you enjoy racing down. Sure a few neighbors may have to replace a tire or two and be out a couple of bucks, but I’m sure they would rather fork over the money for new tires than a new coffin. Those things are expensive!

Hope to see you soon!

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen with a lot of time on her hands to plot





Stay Classy Silver Magnum Douchebag!

27 12 2013

To the Puerto Rican douchebag driving the silver Dodge Magnum near Universal Orlando this fine Friday morning…I’ve got two words for you to go along with my middle finger salute to how you so smoothly crossed over three lanes of traffic to cut me off and get in front of me…Driver’s Education!

Or maybe any education would benefit this guy.

Kenny Powers

Apparently using your blinker to let people know that you will be changing into another lane means nothing to the person at the stop sign waiting to cross over three lanes so they can make a u-turn. If that wasn’t enough, I’m also not allowed to voice my complaint as to how we almost collided because of his impatient and chauvinistic asshole driving. I spoke the truth and apparently it hurt mister babyface, rico sauve enough for him to get out of his car and stand up to a woman. A woman who can drive a whole lot better than he can and who has every right to voice her opinion on his adolescent driving skills. Lucky for him they give licenses out here like they give free coffee in bank lobbies.

I spoke and continued to speak even after the cool guy had to step halfway out of his car to tell me to not talk. Really? Where do you think we are? I understand that in some countries women don’t have the right to talk but we’re not there. I’d be more than happy to put you on a plane to one of those places though. Anything to get you off the road. Of course some joker telling me to be quiet only makes me verbalize even more about how bad of a driver he is and how he really should be paying more attention to the road than to me. Threatening to park in front of me until I shut up isn’t going to phase me at all. I’m salaried, running errands for a job, probably a concept he’ll never get if his driving skills are any indication of his work skills, and I have all the time in the world to sit here and talk about how you are actually standing up to a woman who you wronged.

I feel bad for the women in his life who have to put up with his nonsense. Grow a pair buddy, you’re picking a fight with the wrong chica. If I wasn’t wearing heels, I’d be out of my car too, bumping chests, although he did look like he had a slight advantage with his man boobs. Either that or his overpowering drugstore cologne knockoff would suffocate me enough for him to sucker punch me. It’s a toss up. I’m still in awe that mini guapo is even out of his car addressing me. Laughing at him didn’t help the situation but what is a girl to do? He looks as pathetic as he drives. I never want to hear that women drivers are worse than men ever again. At least I own up to my mistakes unlike the douchebags in Orlando that turn around and want to fight you because they suck at driving. What’s wrong with you?

It’s hard not to get distracted by the asshole men of Orlando because they are everywhere. Thank you to the ones that were raised with manners, and thank your moms too. As for all of the rest of you, watch your manners and watch your back because us women, we don’t put up with shananigans like the ones displayed by the silver Magnum douchebag today. Like many other women, I do enjoy talking and I will continue to address your jerkoff driving skills, like I’m doing now. Cheers to wishing our paths never cross again! But if for some reason there is a next time, I’m losing the heels and whipping out the camera so the world can see how much of a douchebag you really are. Seems like the popular thing to do. Maybe I’ll make a funny GIF file of you or maybe Tosh.O will air it on his show for me.





To blink, or not to blink: Turn signal etiquette 101

18 09 2012

I’ve come up with this awesome idea that will save us money individually and as an economy. I can’t believe nobody else has come up with this idea. It all started when I began to notice something repeatedly happening whenever I was out driving. You see, my dad is a play-by-the-rules type of guy. I love and respect him for that. It’s a very admirable quality. When he was teaching me how to drive, he taught me the ins and outs, the dos and dont’s.  Hands at 10 and 2, eyes on the road and constantly check the mirrors, always be aware of who and what is around you. If you miss your turn, don’t slam on your brakes and make everybody pay for your mistake, even if you have to go a little out of your way, it’s the right thing to do. The respectful polite thing to do maybe. He taught me to use my blinker when turning or wanting to switch lanes. This is to let people know you want to switch lanes or that you’re turning a certain direction, out of respect and safety and because it’s the law.

What i’ve noticed is that very few people use their blinkers anymore. It’s a rarity when I see that flashing signal indicating someone actually flipped that mechanism on their steering wheel to let other people driving their 3,000+ pounds of heavy steel know that you plan on switching over into the lane they are approaching you in or that you may be turning soon and slowing down would be the safest thing for everyone.

Nope, blinkers aren’t something people take seriously. Now, it’s either we’re plain lazy and don’t want to exert the energy to turn the blinker on or we’re just inconsiderate, self centered and don’t have a care as to what is going on outside our own little world or maybe it’s because we hate people and enjoy pissing them off. I’m sure there’s more reasons other than what I listed but those are my primary ones.

Sometimes I am lazy and don’t want to signal. Usually, though, when I don’t use my signal it’s because nobody is around me or I’m paranoid that if I signal, everybody will then speed up and try to get past me pacing the distance between the car in front of them perfectly so I can never switch lanes and must wait and get at the end of the line. I guess it’s fairly normal to expect to have to go to the back of the line when you step out of the line you were  in.

Anyway, I’ve witnessed this many times. I notice somebody wants to get over because they actually used their blinkers. People come up from behind and speed up, closing in on the gap between the car in front of them. Other cars approach and the cars seems to be driving at the exact same speed, not creating any room for the person to get over. Now if this person were not to use their blinker and just wait for the gap and squeeze in, they would get in a lot quicker. I know there are some people that pay attention and courteously allow enough room for the person blinking ever so nicely to come into their lane. Kudos to you. I do this most of the times. I feel that if your nice enough to give me the heads up as to what you’d  like to do, and it won’t disturb my flow too much, then by all means, come into my lane. But don’t just push your way in without a signal or signal and expect me to let you in right away. If I can I will. But just because you turned your signal on, doesn’t mean you have the right of way.

Same goes for turning. It’s a freaking courtesy. Let the person behind you know that you are turning so they can either slow down or switch lanes and go around you. Not signaling for a turn is like falling and pulling somebody down with you. It’s so selfish and blatantly disregards other driver’s interest and well being. I personally would love for the person behind me to know to slow down and not hit me because I’m about to do an abrupt turn and I shouldn’t expect you to be able to read my mind and know what I’m about to do next.

And if you really want to get me going, while you’re driving down the center lane of a 3-lane highway, use your signal and let me see this blinking light proudly announce that you will be getting into the right lane. I will smile and sing your praises, overwhelmed with the respect and acknowledgment of somebody other than yourself. And then, as you approach that right turn area that you said you were heading, you instead turn left with the right blinker still flashing. I would rather you not blink at all. That is lazy and absent-minded and who wants to be on the road with an absent-minded person who at any given moment may be thinking about something other than driving down the road. Ever heard of road hypnosis. I’ve had it happen to me before. That can be for another blog topic.

If we aren’t going to blink properly or at all then why have blinkers. Why pay the extra money, when purchasing a car, for something you’ll never use? Wouldn’t rather have that money in your pocket or towards something else? The material that makes blinkers, the bulbs, the fuses, everything can just disappear. If we really need to signal there is always your arm and hand. Cars will be cheaper, road rage will decrease because now there no expecting courtesy from other drivers, just look out for yourself. It’s a win-win situation.

If you think I have some serious issues then you’re probably right. You see, I’m traumatized from cops giving me tickets for things everybody and their mom do on a daily basis. Like not using your turn signal. Yes I was pulled over for not using my turn signal when merging from the center median lane into the regular lanes. I signaled to get out to the middle of the road from the stop sign I sat at but my blinker turned off and I didn’t turn it back on to continue in the direction I wanted to go. It was after work and I was ready to go home and relax. I thought that was a petty ticket but it taught me to use my signal. It also created an issue for me I’m just beginning to realize.

Sigh.





Crosswalk Crossroads : Letters From The Pedestrian

15 08 2011

Dear old lady, with the Jack Russell Terrier, who could barely see over the steering wheel of her Toyota,

I’m writing to apologize for my ignorance and disrespect as I attempted to walk my dog across the big white striped crosswalk after pushing the button and seeing the white LED man come up on the screen. I must not have been paying attention to the signals that informed me I had the right of way and that it was okay for me and my furry kid to cross the street safely.

It must have been hard for you to take that left turn on a green light so slow and avoid running my dog and I over in the fifteen seconds it took for us to cross. Thank you for creeping up on us slowly and gently tapping my leg with the front of your car to inform me you were coming no matter what. It was so kind for you to again inform me that you had the right away by pointing to the green traffic signal hanging above even while the LED sign was still blinking the 8 seconds left before the orange hand would appear and take over. I was amazed that you were so quick to notice as you continued to drive and weren’t distracted by the steering wheel blocking your view or your hyperactive Jack Russell Terrier standing on your middle console backing you up with his yaps.

You must have developed some sincere patience and self-control over the years because when I pointed back at the sign to show you the seconds still counting down, you came back again, holding your ground and pointed to the green light hanging above without losing the angry scowl on your wrinkly face.

I have plenty to learn from the old and the wise who are somehow still qualified to drive 3000 lb vehicles without meeting proper height requirements and without knowing or abiding by the rules of the road. Thankfully, I can still stand corrected and will hope for a rainy day to wash away the dog shit I inappropriately threw at your car.

Sincerely,

The Crosswalk Bandit