Five reasons being a Vampire would be pretty cool

3 10 2012

1) The Travel Experience

As a vampire, since you have unlimited days on earth (unless you get staked of course), you have all the time in the world to travel and see everything the world has to offer; From the street canals of Venice, Italy and the Himalayas in India to the volcanoes in Iceland and Indonesia and the rainforests in South America. Every city in every country, every desert, every lake, every canal or stream, every mountain, every cliff, every cornfield, every pasture… every thing! Along with your travels you will get to meet all kinds of different people from different cultures. Just be on your best behavior and make friends rather than eat them all and you’ll be able to enjoy more without worrying that somebody is out to get you for revenge or because they want all blood sucking vampires dead, again.

2) Breaking the Language Barrier

If you had all the time in the world and didn’t want to get bored, pick up a book or Mavis Beacon CD and learn a language. Spend some quality time learning to speak Spanish in all its dialects and regions, French, Russian, Chinese, Greek, Latin, Arabic, you name it. You can learn by submerging yourself in that region or country for a year or two, until you speak it fluently. After a hundred years or so of walking around the earth, you’ll be able to speak to anybody and everybody! Even the tough French-Creole dialects found in certain Parishes of New Orleans (reference Waterboy with Adam Sandler). Nobody would ever be able to talk smack about you without you knowing. There won’t be any secrets kept from you either. Once you learn all the languages, if you get bored you can always create a new one of your own. Let a hundred years go by and see how many people picked it up.

3) Adrenaline Junkie Is An Understatement

Could you imagine the stunts you would be able to pull off if death wasn’t an issue and life was everlasting? Bungee jumping is so outdated but you would still have to do it at least once. But why not climb higher for a longer drop? Longer bungee jumping rides equals more fun and enjoyment for that adrenaline addiction. Skydiving, paragliding, cliff jumping, scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef, dirt bike stunts, four-wheeling ATVs, mountain climbing, cave diving, anything you can’t imagine anybody being able to do and survive, you can do! The impossible is now possible once you’re a vampire. And you’re not doing these stunts for bragging rights, because you have an advantage without the fear of dying, rather you do these things to truly feel what it’s like to do them. To feel the wind against your face as you free fall thousands of feet in mid air, meet the underwater sea creatures nobody has been able to discover, wrestle an alligator, swim with a whale, whatever you desire, you can conquer.

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4) Best of the Best Concert Series

Being a vampire has some definite advantages. You can go watch every great musician, band, solo artist, quartet, or instrumental group perform live. Imagine hanging out in a local Jersey dive listening to Bruce Springsteen, at a Minneapolis coffeehouse listening to Bob Dylan, or at a club in Liverpool listening to four boyish legends known as The Beatles. Hear famous symphony orchestras and opera performances from all over the world. Learn the moonwalk from Michael Jackson, smoke weed with Snoop Dog, Jimi Hendrix and the band Sublime, drink beers with Johnny Cash, strike a pose with Madonna, party with Kurt Cobain and Jerry Garcia, compare lips with Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler, have a cocktail with Frank Sinatra, sing the delta blues with Willie Brown, or jazz it up with Duke Ellington and Etta James. You would be able to watch live performances of every artist, in every country, during the course of the time that passes. Spend years traveling around attending one concert after another until you’ve crossed everybody off your list, of course you’ll be adding them as you go too. You will be so well diverse with every genre of music, the uniqueness of each decade or era, educated with soulful words and melodies. I can only imagine the happiness within. Collect the concert tickets or napkins from the location or something that proves you were there and make a collage for your vampire home. How cool would that be to be able to enjoy all of these artists, live, pouring out their energy so you can be inspired and entertained?

5) Never Be Jobless

Since you’re a vampire and your life is about endless experiences, you pretty much are living history as is plays out, decade after decade, century after century. You were there when aspirin company Bayer used to market heroin, during the 72 years when Louis XIV reigned France, witnessed the dollar become the first official currency, or to meet Dante (pre-Divine Comedy) when he was just a boy studying Tuscan poetry at the Sicilian School. With all of this first-hand knowledge you can work as a college professor (night classes only) or write and publish history books with explicit and accurate detail. You can also teach online history classes or tutor individuals in the evenings. These types of jobs would probably come easy to a vampire. Since you have the opportunity to be an expert in just about any subject matter many options are out there for you such as DIY shows, travel shows for the countries with the best nightlife and more!

It’s starting to make sense why Vampires can come across as being arrogant and snobby. They’ve been around long enough and have learned as much as they could take in and could be quite bored with the ordinary. Imagine having to explain the same thing to each person you encounter, day in and day out, teaching them that Arabic numerals were not invented by Arabs, that ketchup was sold as medicine in the 1830s, that two of the Titanic survivors were dogs, and that it took 20 thousand men, 20 years, to finish building the Taj Mahal. They’re smart, they’ve been there, done that, and seen that, and they kind of have bragging rights to be know-it-alls. Don’t take it personal if they beat you in Jeopardy and Who Wants to be a Millionaire, remember, they could do a lot more damage if they really wanted to.





Vampires and Breed Discrimination

11 10 2011

On this particular Tuesday, I was enjoying my morning walk with the dogs like I usually do. Having what some people may call “aggressive” breeds I make sure to take the extra steps with understanding and training them. I spend hours every day exercising, disciplining, and teaching them proper behaviors. You’ll find many books from Dog Psychology to Breed Specific literature on my bookshelves because I know the important key is for me to be properly trained if I am to have well behaved dogs.

As we walked on the sidewalk back in the direction to my house we passed people jogging, walking their own dogs, and riding bikes. Nothing out of the ordinary. I’m used to around 50% of the people out and about to be nervous when they see me approaching them with a German Shepard on one side and a Pit Bull on the other. After all, they have no idea what I’m teaching these animals and how they’ve been raised. They just know what they’ve heard through the grapevine and through biased media reports.

I don’t get offended… when the lady jumps up on a cement wall and lets out a screech as we approach her. The leashes are short, each with a little less than an arms reach worth of give which is supposed to ensure people that I have these dogs under control. That and the fact that they are walking beside me paying that lady no mind at all. I observe this lady’s crazy behavior and chuckle as we walk on by.

I don’t get offended… when people rush to pick up their small Maltese or Jack  Russell terrier while they ferociously bark at us as we pass by. (And my quiet,  calm-assertive dogs are supposed to be the big bad aggressors). Sure, they’re judging a book by its cover but that’s their prerogative. We always continue on our merry way.

Breed discrimination is out there. Human ignorance is out there too. Which leads me to discuss what does get under my skin. We all have our boiling points.

Today mine was an overweight, middle-aged man wearing a fluorescent yellow shirt riding a mountain bike down the road in the early morning hours. I don’t know how long he had been behind us as we were walking down the sidewalk. I didn’t hear him even approach us until he rode past on the street parallel to where we were walking. He turned his head and called out to me, “Hey!”

Focused on our path ahead, I snapped out of my concentration to politely give this stalker the time of day.

He then proceeded with, “If either of those dogs bite me, I’ll sue you.”

I looked around to see who he was threatening like that, out of the blue, with no good rhyme or reason. It turned out he was talking to me. My Pit Bull looked up at me and if she could talk I bet she would’ve said, “You want me to chase him, mom. Give him a little scare? Come on, it’ll be fun!”

I have never seen nor encountered this man before in my life. Neither have any of my dogs. They never barked at him, growled, lunged, or even glanced in his direction before he made himself known with his stupid comment. It was so out of the blue and non-deserving but for some reason, his retarded ass needed to be heard.

“That’s nice, but my dog’s aren’t the ones you should be concerned with about biting you,” I responded to the strange fat man. 

He looked at me with a scowl on his face and I smiled back at him. In an instant my teeth turned to vampire fangs and I flew at him with my super-speedy vampire skills piercing the flesh on his neck. His screams drowned out by the dog’s barking and when I was through feeding, which was a good minute due to his weight issues, I left his limp body on the side of the road next to his bike.

Moral of the story… Don’t judge a book by its cover. You never know who’s a vampire!