Got Speed? : Letters From the Pedestrian

10 04 2014

Dear Reckless SUV Driver who thinks my neighborhood is really a drag strip shortcut to avoid a little bit of traffic and one stoplight,

website-speed

I wanted to let you know that everything is going to be okay. After seeing your ancient P.O.S. Ford Explorer/Nissan Pathfinder-type vehicle with a faded paint job and giant rust spots blur by me as I walked my dog down my sidewalk-free residential neighborhood street, I understand why you felt the need to drive at speeds over 50mph. I would be embarrassed too if I had to drive around an eye-sore like that, always worrying whether or not it was going to break down before reaching my destination. Or maybe some psychopathic disgruntled retired bomb squad technician rigged a bomb to your car which will detonate if you drive under 50mph. Where is Keanu when you need him, right?

I’m sure you have a really good reason for drag racing down a neighborhood street at 7:30 am, the time when some of our children are heading to the bus stop and other people are out walking their dogs. I mean, I couldn’t expect you to slow down at all once you saw me and my 85lb Pit Bull attempting to cross the street. Everything around you must have been blurry and hard to decipher. It may have been a little easier for you if your crappy tint job wasn’t bubbled up and peeling off but that’s just a suggestion.

I know it’s not your fault you were running late to your Douche Bag Anonymous meeting and I’d like to commend your quick-thinking skills with taking that shortcut. You actually made it to your destination 45 seconds earlier than if you would have gone the normal, legal way. I’m pretty sure you got in front of that other car who had been leading the way previously. Way to go! Your 45-second speed savings scared a bunch of kids and squirrels, alarmed some neighbors and almost killed me and my dog, but you beat your record time and that’s all that matters. After all, there’s nobody else as important on this earth as you.

I appreciate you honking at me after almost killing me to let me know you do care about what I have to say. It was coming from the bottom of my pounding heart when I hollered, “Slow the f— down.” It makes me happy to know you heard me since you certainly didn’t see me when you blasted by. And you have no idea how much it meant to me when you honked again after I gave you an honorary middle finger salute to congratulate you on putting an entire neighborhood at risk because of your selfish needs and behavior. And all along I didn’t think you noticed me.

Finally, I really hope your lazy ass oversleeps or something causes you to run late so you can swing by the neighborhood again and maybe this time get a 46-second lead on everybody else. You see, Ace Hardware makes these really sharp pointy metal things that I’m going to place in certain areas of that street you enjoy racing down. Sure a few neighbors may have to replace a tire or two and be out a couple of bucks, but I’m sure they would rather fork over the money for new tires than a new coffin. Those things are expensive!

Hope to see you soon!

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen with a lot of time on her hands to plot

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Stay Classy Silver Magnum Douchebag!

27 12 2013

To the Puerto Rican douchebag driving the silver Dodge Magnum near Universal Orlando this fine Friday morning…I’ve got two words for you to go along with my middle finger salute to how you so smoothly crossed over three lanes of traffic to cut me off and get in front of me…Driver’s Education!

Or maybe any education would benefit this guy.

Kenny Powers

Apparently using your blinker to let people know that you will be changing into another lane means nothing to the person at the stop sign waiting to cross over three lanes so they can make a u-turn. If that wasn’t enough, I’m also not allowed to voice my complaint as to how we almost collided because of his impatient and chauvinistic asshole driving. I spoke the truth and apparently it hurt mister babyface, rico sauve enough for him to get out of his car and stand up to a woman. A woman who can drive a whole lot better than he can and who has every right to voice her opinion on his adolescent driving skills. Lucky for him they give licenses out here like they give free coffee in bank lobbies.

I spoke and continued to speak even after the cool guy had to step halfway out of his car to tell me to not talk. Really? Where do you think we are? I understand that in some countries women don’t have the right to talk but we’re not there. I’d be more than happy to put you on a plane to one of those places though. Anything to get you off the road. Of course some joker telling me to be quiet only makes me verbalize even more about how bad of a driver he is and how he really should be paying more attention to the road than to me. Threatening to park in front of me until I shut up isn’t going to phase me at all. I’m salaried, running errands for a job, probably a concept he’ll never get if his driving skills are any indication of his work skills, and I have all the time in the world to sit here and talk about how you are actually standing up to a woman who you wronged.

I feel bad for the women in his life who have to put up with his nonsense. Grow a pair buddy, you’re picking a fight with the wrong chica. If I wasn’t wearing heels, I’d be out of my car too, bumping chests, although he did look like he had a slight advantage with his man boobs. Either that or his overpowering drugstore cologne knockoff would suffocate me enough for him to sucker punch me. It’s a toss up. I’m still in awe that mini guapo is even out of his car addressing me. Laughing at him didn’t help the situation but what is a girl to do? He looks as pathetic as he drives. I never want to hear that women drivers are worse than men ever again. At least I own up to my mistakes unlike the douchebags in Orlando that turn around and want to fight you because they suck at driving. What’s wrong with you?

It’s hard not to get distracted by the asshole men of Orlando because they are everywhere. Thank you to the ones that were raised with manners, and thank your moms too. As for all of the rest of you, watch your manners and watch your back because us women, we don’t put up with shananigans like the ones displayed by the silver Magnum douchebag today. Like many other women, I do enjoy talking and I will continue to address your jerkoff driving skills, like I’m doing now. Cheers to wishing our paths never cross again! But if for some reason there is a next time, I’m losing the heels and whipping out the camera so the world can see how much of a douchebag you really are. Seems like the popular thing to do. Maybe I’ll make a funny GIF file of you or maybe Tosh.O will air it on his show for me.





So wont the real Mrs. Claus please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?

19 12 2013
Waiting for Santa.

Waiting for Santa.

All of the Christmas lights I spent hours hanging up outside of the house just stopped working tonight. Not really feeling like investigating the reason, I instead, decide to embark on a certain mission that has been presented to me and maybe fuel up with some good ole holiday spirits.

It has come to my attention that I have no idea what Mrs. Claus’s name first name is. Christmas is almost here and I feel obligated to discover the answer before the white bearded man comes down my chimney.

My first instinct is to Google it of course. The first link is wikipedia, which I don’t normally rely on for factual information, but we are searching for Mrs. Claus’s first name. Mrs. Claus, as in the wife of Santa Claus. You know?

So I click on the link and read something about her first name being a mystery but then they list about nine different names that she’s been referred to as. That’s like saying she was born in Kentucky, Alabama, Massachusetts, Wyoming, Nevada, Oregon, Louisiana and the North Pole. Unless she’s got multiple personalities or is very indecisive of what she wants to be called, this just can’t be. I’m not satisfied at all with this answer.

The next link I click on is www.santaclaus.com. Cool! I never knew Santa had his own website. This should be good, I think to myself. I read the website and find the same question that I was asked the other night. What is Mrs. Claus’s first name?

The answer is right there. Her name is Jessica Mary Claus.

I thought, at first, that my search was over and couldn’t believe how easy it was to figure the answer out. Then I read more on the site to learn that you can become an elf by doing well in school, Santa and Mrs. Claus like to vacation in the Florida Keys after the holidays, and Santa gets the flu shot each year. I’m losing faith with this site’s credibility and confirm my doubts with the disclaimer at the bottom of the web page.

It reads,”All warranties express(ed) or implied are hereby disclaimed. Every effort is made to ensure that information is correct, but is not guaranteed.”

My mission is not over yet. I’m not 100% convinced that Mrs. Claus’s name is Jessica Mary Claus. The next few links I clicked onto gave me Jessica’s name again, as well as some new ones, but none could back up their answers with any credible source. Not to mention each answer has a different story about Mrs. Claus in general.

Seems like I may have my work cut out for me here. Oh wow! My Christmas lights just came back on. And all I had to do was press the reset button on the light socket panel.





Sunday Funday Quiche Off

16 09 2013

I made it. All day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without smoking a cigarette. Not gonna lie, there were times when I wanted to light one up, suck in the addictiveness and give in to my love-hate relationship with the tiny white stick. But I didn’t. I wake up each morning and my lungs say thank you for another 24 hours of clean air. It’s not easy but I’m noticing it is a lot about habit. It would be so easy for me to grab a cigarette from a pack and start puffing and regretting but when those urges come up, acknowledge them, embrace them, and try to figure out a substitute. Preferably one that won’t put the weight on because I can already see how substituting food or candy for cigarettes can be a bit of a crutch.

I just let out a long sigh but your couldn’t hear it because this is a text blog. That sigh was the release of another incredible day. A day filled with family and friends and games and conversation. Oh, and a Quiche Off between myself and my girlfriend, both of us virgin to quiche making. We shopped for our ingredients, prepped the food, and began creating our masterpiece quiches. We each made two with different ingredients and no one quiche was identical to the other. It was a nice, delicious variety from spinach, broccoli, bacon and cheese to asparagus, tomato and cheddar.

We invited family and friends to come over for brunch, complementing our quiches with mimosas and fresh fruit. The smell of sizzling bacon and baked egg and cheese permeated the air inside the house and teased the stomach. We decided we would pay attention to the responses and that would determine who’s quiche wins the Quiche Off. There were a variety of people with a variety of tastes and each of our creations were talked about. They loved them all. I watched everybody eat every last crumb off their plate, some even went for seconds. They were a hit. It was kind of hard to say who’s quiche was the best. I tried them all and each had a unique flavor I enjoyed. I walked inside to see what was left over and saw that there were 3 pieces left from each quiche. Nobody had anything left on their plate. I would say that this was a tie. It’s pretty cool too because it was something new for the both of us and we had an awesome Sunday brunch.

Quiche Off Part II….coming soon





I Quit Smoking Today

13 09 2013

Yes, I have officially declared out loud with my dog as my witness under the starry designs in the darkened sky, that I am going to no longer smoke cigarettes.

My aunt passed away this evening. She was my crazy aunt who I could always count on for honest, unedited advice; she was the one that would always make me laugh with her silly faces and her silly words; she understood things yet she still took chances and made changes and knew not to take life too seriously.

I was named after her. My middle name spelled just the same as her first name. Her daughter, only a few years older while her son a couple years younger spent summers and reunions together. I feel closer to them than I do my own brother, although there are days when I feel like he’s trying to maintain a sibling relationship.

I hate cancer. It killed my grandfather, it killed my grandmother just a month ago, it attacked my mom who is thankfully heading toward remission as I type this, and today it took my aunt away forever.

I know I’m going to research the hell out of cancer to see if I can get one up on it. I know there has been a lot of research done with this nasty disease so I shouldn’t have any problem finding information out about it. There needs to be some drastic changes for me. Starting with the cigarettes. Next, I’m going to be more conscious about my diet and I’m going to exercise twice as much as the minimal daily effort I normally put forth. I’m going to get in shape and beat this depression creeping up on me. There is too much that needs to be done.

When I went through my darker times with the person I no longer mention, I got to see firsthand what rock bottom really looked like. As I made what I hoped to be my final exit to that relationship (and later turned out that it was indeed the end) I fell in the arms of my parents of course, my biological mother, my aunt and my grandmother, all of whom took me in and got me back on my feet. I was stripped to the core and they mended me back together.

While I was staying with my grandmother, trying to find a job while saving some money from my unemployment checks, my aunt happened to be staying in town for a good chunk of time with my grandmother to do some mother-daughter bonding. They were taking a road trip for about a week and revisiting childhood places, old schools and neighborhoods along the way back home. I stayed by myself at my grandmother’s house, grieving over a failed abusive relationship, feeling completely vulnerable yet safe that I could sleep without worrying what was going to happen to me or what was going to set the bomb off today.

When they came back, we had several heart to heart talks about life and love and making the right decisions and having confidence in myself. There was this one particular day that my aunt and I spent the day running errands. She drove me around to get some errands run and then we made a few other stops during our outing.

We drove to the church that my grandmother attends and volunteers one day a week answering phones and doing office work. It’s the same church where my mom and my aunt were married at. It was in the afternoon in the middle of the week and nobody was in the sanctuary. They leave it open though for people to come inside to pray when they need to.

Inside the sanctuary, the sunlight shined through the stained glass windows that outlined the walls. The beautiful huge pipe organ that fills the air with music on Sundays. My aunt went up to the alter and began to pray. I remember this feeling I had while we were in there. It was like I was being hugged. I let my tears flow and got everything off my chest and out of my mind. At that time, my aunt had beat cancer and was on the road to healthiness and happiness. She knew how to prioritize and focus on the important elements of life. She had an awesome mission organization to help the orphaned children with HIV in Haiti. Together with her husband, they built hospitals, they taught, they nurtured, and they loved these kids as well as the many friends they encountered in Haiti.

When we were through saying everything we needed to say in the sanctuary, we then drove to the cemetery where my grandfather’s ashes were. My aunt lives on the west coast so it’s not like she gets to come visit every day. She loved and missed her father so much. She talked to his nameplate and told him about everything going on in her life with tears in her eyes. She talked about her grandchild and her kids and her daily endeavors. I thought that was so cool and it really touched my heart. We left some fresh flowers and headed back to my grandmother’s house.

My aunt told me how I looked better every new day. She told me that even though it was hard for me to get up out of bed in the mornings, and not because I was tired or hungover, but because I was depressed, still climbing up from rock bottom and I had a long way to go. But I was heading in the right direction. My aunt set some goals up with me and told me she was going to check in on me and see if I had made progress. We talked about me focusing on finding a job, my soccer coaching and my writing.

So, two months ago I watched my grandmother pass away on July 6th 2013, the day my grandfather was born and only a week shy from her 92nd birthday. My aunt was not able to come be by her mom’s side and with her brother and sisters due to her health. We Skyped with her so she could see her mom and tell her goodbye. There was about 15 minutes or so where it was just her in the room, on Skype, with the camera on the laptop facing my grandmother who’s breaths were already short with long intervals between them. We Skyped with her at the ash ceremony which she put together and carried out, the memorial service, and the reception that followed. We made sure she was there and as much a part of this celebration of her mother’s life as anybody else.

We just bought our first house and moved in the day before my grandmother’s service which was almost a month after she had passed. With siblings, family and friends coming from both the east coast and the west coast time was needed to make sure everyone could make it out. It was a beautiful celebration, just as my grandmother would want. We had so much family gathered in one place. We don’t get to see each other all together like that very often. So much has changed since the last reunion. My cousins all have children now for starters. It was a good time mixed in with the sadness.

Today is Thursday, September 12th, 2013. I was at work when I got the text from my mom that my aunt was in ICU going through her final stages. Having just watched my grandmother go through this I knew what that meant. At a little after 7pm eastern time, 4pm California time, my aunt passed away. She was surrounded by her daughter, her son, two of her sisters, one of which had just flown from Florida to spend her birthday with her, her devoted husband and his son from his previous marriage. His first wife died of cancer too. She was surrounded by love and for the ones like me that weren’t there physically, our thoughts were on her all day.

As I took a puff from my last cigarette before bed I knew that I needed to do something drastic. I’ve been in a funk lately and for good reason but I’ve got a lot of good going on in my life as well. I decided to quit smoking for my aunt. And my grandmother. And my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother, my nephew, family, friends, people whose lives I’m going to touch in my lifetime, my dog, my bio-mom, and anybody who cares about me. It’s only dragging me down and I’ve been struggling with quitting. I’m ready to get out of my funk, start taking care of myself, finish editing my story which both my aunt and my grandmother loved, move toward my goals and just let myself be happy.

I declared this out loud. I made sure to get my dog’s attention and said it to her since she was the only one around. Today I quit smoking cigarettes.





Mother nature got a little rough with us today

24 03 2013

It’s crazy how powerful mother nature can be when she really wants to. After a busy Sunday morning, early afternoon thunderstorms passed through leaving behind a big mess. There were reports of tornadoes which have not yet been confirmed but after a walk in my neighborhood, it certainly looks like tornado aftermath damage.

What I found interesting was in my area, there were so many huge trees knocked down or uprooted and they all seemed to fall towards the road. I didn’t see much damage to homes other than a lot of fence damage. If these trees would have landed any in any other direction, there could have been so much more devastating damage.

This was a quick and sneaky storm.

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Lots of trees down.

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Smashed tractor.

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Lots of trees down, blocking streets and knocking down power lines.

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Huge trees knocked down.

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Tree blocking the road. This street actually continues down another half mile from where that green wall is.

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Uprooted.

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Saw a lot of this around the neighborhood.





Silent Wings

9 02 2013

A multitude of souls;

Loss of faith due to grief;

A town in turmoil;

All hope rests on the wings.

A little inspiration from the book I'm working on.

A little inspiration from the book I’m working on.